Do not let Eastern Michigan make this weird.

Here is my Eastern Michigan preview. Are you ready? Don’t be stupid. That’s the preview. Don’t fumble on the second drive. Don’t take a holding penalty that turns third-and-two into third-and-twelve. Don’t give me a special teams adventure. Don’t make me learn the name of Eastern’s third-down back because he has converted four of them by halftime.

Strong scouting report.

I am not breaking down Eastern Michigan’s boundary safety at 5:20 on a Tuesday. I am a man of the people. The people want to know whether Michigan State can win a game it should win without everyone needing blood pressure medication.

That is actually fair. This game is about stacking competence. Beat Grambling, handle Eastern, then you go to Notre Dame with at least a little belief.

And Notre Dame is wobbling, which makes me more nervous, not less. Because now everyone’s going to do the thing. “Oh, they’re unranked. Oh, they lost to Miami. Oh, they gave up 50 to Wisconsin.” Great. Now a program with five-star athletes and a wounded ego is sitting there waiting for the weirdest coaching experiment in America. Wonderful.

So what do you need Saturday?

I need a boring win. I need Hannan to look calm. I need Cam Edwards to look like the adult in the room. I need the defense to stop giving me caveats. And I need the coaching staff to not spend the first quarter trying to prove how clever they are. Line up, win, go home.

So if they win by 24 but Hannan is clean?

I complain about the margin but privately feel fine.

If they win by 40?

I complain that everyone is overreacting but privately watch the highlights twice.

There it is.

I contain multitudes.